There is Static in My Head

by rachelxsarah

I have come to a realization

I came to this realization a long time ago, but I have been avoiding it.  I am a fairly self-aware individual, but I am also lazy and a coward.  I have not been listening to myself.  I have been dumbing down my own intelligence and selling myself short to avoid what I am actually feeling inside.  There is so much static in my head.

I have been avoiding all thoughts and ideas for fear I have to face the ones that hurt me deeply.  I am still processing what happened to me a year ago, with my stress leave, with the deaths in my life (one very recent).  All this avoidance has been hurting me more in the long run.  I have to face the pain and doubt I feel in order to move forward.  I have been taking little steps.

I am writing more, and making moves towards a better future for myself.  I have been teaching myself to appreciate the good and be contented.  I also remind myself there is a difference between giving into a bad situation that can be changed compared to accepting what you can’t change.  If you really hate your job, make steps to get another one.  If you are unhappy with your partner, tell them and try to fix it (or be brave enough to know when to walk away).  You do have to realize that nothing happens over night.

I am not happy with everything in my life.  I am miles away from my loved ones, but I know they know how much I love them.  So really they are not that far away at all.  I am very unsatisfied with my working status, but I am happy to have an okay job that pays my bills.  I am making plans to improve my working status, and I have to accept that this will take a long time–it will happen.  I still have not fully settled into my new home.  We are missing a lot of furniture and other random necessities (such as hangers).  I have a really beautiful home though that is full of love, laughter, and stories.  Of course, sometimes it is my cat telling the story so it is a bit harder to understand.

I keep telling myself all the good things right now, and that with dedication, patience, and hard work I will get more good things.

There is still so much static in my head.  I had this brilliant idea that I would write about it all, and that it would be brilliant.  Then everything I wrote fell so short, or I ended up only writing the same sentence over and over again.  When I read the opening to Slaughter House Five I discovered that Mr Vonnegut had the same problems when he tried to tell his tale.  So I remind myself to take a deep breath and be patience.  I think often of the stories I want to write one day, and I write a lot of notes.  For now, I write the stories I can create right now.  I know that one day I will be able to write those other tales, but until then I have to be patient with myself.  I have to learn the meaning of each sound that creates this static.  I need to name each syllable and be no longer afraid.

There is so much static in my head, but it is slowly getting clearer.

Until Tomorrow.

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